Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Lose 60 lbs. instantly!!!
I don't think this is my original idea, but I can't remember where I got it (don't you hate that?). Anyway, at some point I started thinking about all these glib promises you see in advertising and magazine fluff pieces that a particular product will allow you to "lose 10 lbs. instantly!" etc. So I decided to see just how much weight one could hope to lose instantly by using all of these products simultaneously. A search of the internets reveals that you can lose a full 60 lbs. instantly -- and this only counts claims that gave a specific amount of weight (i.e., I didn't count ones that just said "lose weight instantly"). So I give you: Mary's Guaranteed Instant 60-Pound Weight Loss Strategy! (Note: do not try this if losing 60 lbs. will cause you to be unhealthily thin. I don't want to be responsible for any delayed aftereffects.)
Mary's Guaranteed Instant 60-Pound Weight Loss Strategy
Improve your posture (lose 10 lbs.)
Wear Spanx (lose 10 lbs.)
Wear a Jeunique bra (lose 10 lbs.)
Wear a top made out of Slinky fabric (lose 10 lbs.)
Get highlights in your hair (lose 5 lbs.)
Get a smaller purse (lose 5 lbs.)
Wear a Body Shaper (lose 5 lbs.)
Wear Bend Over slacks (lose 5 lbs.)
Do all of these things at once (what a fucking awesome outfit that would be) and LOSE 60 LBS. INSTANTLY!!!
I also want to point out that this does not count claims that you can "look 10 lbs. thinner," etc. If you add those in, you can probably look hundreds of pounds thinner (maybe at some point I'll investigate that and let you know).
Update on last week's post: Seamus sent me this relevant article. Scary stuff.